BLAH

I have always been someone who can live off only a few hours of sleep.
I have had pretty bad insomnia in the past, I could function on little to no sleep.

now not so much

I am so flippin tired lately.

• Hailey is teething, she doesnt want to sleep unless she is with me, which means I dont sleep. or we give her tylenol but I dont like drugging her all the time if I dont have to.
• Emma has been having problems with her brace, I cant blame her that thing can not be comfortable. she wakes up complaining of sore toes and sore knees alot.
• Steve works hard, he needs alot of sleep to get through his long days at his job. So I have been sleeping on the couch so that when Hailey cries and I have to get up he can sleep.
• Our couch sucks, it is not a pillow top mattress by any means. The cushions are constantly falling off and I find my self half on half off the couch often.
• We just moved, so taking a break and relaxing is replaced by moving boxes, lifting dressers down stairs on my own and non-stop organizing. in addition to the regular day to day 50s housewife crap.... laundry, dishes, cooking, repeat.
• I got fat, I gained 60 pounds when I was pregnant and it definatly did not come off as easy this time, so I have been jogging everyday in the morning and taking the girls for a walk in the evening.

I must be getting old

These few things are wearing me out!
It is so hard to get out of bed in the morning, and by noon I could use a nap.
before Steve even gets home from work I am fighting to keep my eyes open.

PITY PARTY! ... Ill get over it
After a LONG nap (ya right) and a few coffees :)

a quick update :)

I must be the worst blogger in the world, I honestly forgot this poor neglected space even existed for a few weeks until I got a few requests for an update! So instead of a random blog about something random I figure I will just let everyone know what has been keeping me so busy that I cant update every day like some lol.
PACKING PACKING PACKING! yes we are moving AGAIN. We seem to move every year we just cant find a place that suits us (usually we cant stand the neighbours) ! when we moved into this apartment we knew it wouldnt be for long it was just somewhere to be untill we found what we were looking for here in Orillia.
We finally found a house, it is aproximatly a 10 minute drive outside Orillia towards Barrie. we are surrounded be fields NO NEIGHBOURS!! , and can see bass lake from our yard. we have a half acre, I am sooo excited for Emma to have her own yard to play in! we intend to make it as fun filled as possible, with a fire pit for us of course.
The thing I have always said that I want when we get a house is a GARAGE, not just a garage but one that we can get to from the house... the whole cleaning off the snow in the winter, packing the kids in carrying loads and loads of groceries through the snow, none of this was ever my idea of fun, yes we have a garage! I know that we will most likely loose Steve to the garage most days, but thats ok, hes out of my way lol... ! I cant wait. the house also has lots of storage, and a basement, The only downside... only two bedrooms! but hey ya cant have everything! I will give more details and pictures in a later post. we move in 5 days EEEEEEE!!
I have also been PACKING PACKING PACKING at my mothers house, she is down sizing from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom, although she is only moving down the hall in her apartment building she is a pack rat, so I have been trying to organize and get rid of the boxes upon boxes of things she no longer needs or uses.
I have been trying to be more frugal, I have only worked 4 months in the past 3 years, with the insane cost of daycare for 2 kids I look at it as my way to contribute to our income, everything I save feels like I am making money for my family. I put alot of time into it, usually 2 hours every morning is spent hunting for deals and sending emails etc.
We still have a wedding to plan =/ we had a budget for our wedding but thanks to my new frugal/enviro friendly attitude I have cut the budget by ALOT ... this of course means I have alot more to do myself, which is fine with me... I like the fact that every little part of our wedding has our imprint, it may not be what other people like, but its unique and its us.
I have two kids! hey that takes up enough time right there lol... with everything going on I still try to make time to sit down every day and do a project with Emma. Hailey sits with us in her bumbo, we sing songs, paint, make recycled bags, make puppets, pretty much whatever we feel like doing that day =) that plus the usual cooking, laundry, cleaning etc I have had my hands full
Emma is growing up way to fast like usual, somedays I feel like I have a 15 year old in the house with the attitude she has, but most days she is still my little angel the only problem we have had is potty training, She goes on the potty most of the time at home but as soon as we go ANYWHERE else there is no hope =/
Hailey is getting SO BIG, I say she looks like a fat Steve lol, she is so bright and coos non stop. She has rolled over from her back to her belly a few times and loves to jump in her jumparoo. She has become such a happy baby, she pretty much only gets mad when shes hungry. That kid likes to eat!
As I write this Emma is singing Skinamerink a dink a dink Skinamerinky DOOOO while Hailey is jumping in her jumparoo laughing at Emma's silly dance. I love this age when they both love each other, I realize that soon enough it will be an all out war over everything between them, So I am cherishing this.
So there is our update, bad spelling/puntuation and all lol.

Father?

Father.

I am not sure if I have a great sense of what a father really should be, when I was very little I have been told I was a daddies girl, but growing up I have always had issues with my dad (I wont go into details for his sake) we have always had an odd relationship,I have never relied on having my dad there, he was never at my birthday parties, I can remember him at a handful of Christmases, he has always been illusive, he lives his own life his way and I get it.

However not having a full time dad has hurt me in ways I can never really explain, I know what it is like to call your dad and him not answer for weeks and even months, to wonder if your dad is alive or dead, and to cry yourself to sleep because you don't know if your own dad loves you or not.

my dad

Emma

I was with Emma's "father" on and off for 3 years, when I was 17 I was told I would not be able to have kids (lol) so Emma was a surprise, the best surprise I have ever had, my entire life I wanted to me a mommy. actually that was pretty much my only aspiration, judge me if you want. I had NEVER wanted to marry her father, I pretty much only stayed with him for convenience, it was easier to be with someone than to leave him and be alone... yes I hate that about myself but its the truth. I knew he was a tool, but I stayed.... then when I found out I was pregnant I thought we would have to stay together for the baby, after my childhood all I wanted for this unborn child was a stable happy family life. of course very shortly after she was born I realized that there was NO hope in this lame excuse of a man ever changing, he showed very little interest in Emma unless we were around his family, then he turned into a family man, always putting on a show. any pictures I had of him and Emma were me saying someday she is going to look through pictures and notice your not in any of them, he spent most of his time either at the casino while telling me he was at work, or at his friends house. after my rent being gambled away, things missing from my home, many calls to the police etc I decided I needed to leave in order for my little girl to have a stable home, even if it was a single home.

And so I asked him to leave, I don't think he took me seriously, but after a few weeks he finally got the clue that I was not kidding this time, I was done, and it was over. Emma was 3 months

Emma 6 months <3

Steve

When I met Steve I was not looking for anything serious, not that I didn't want it, I just thought I am a single mom of a baby, who would want me? I was 100% set on focusing on just Emma and myself and not worrying about a man.

But everything changed... fast... I am not going to go into the details about our beginning right now, I will end up typing for hours if I do lol... Steve met Emma 3 days after she turned 6 months we started living together a few months later, since the day he met her Steve has taken on a father role, he has supported her and I in every way. he was there when she started crawling, walking, talking, when she fell, he would pick her up, he would teach her things, play with her, buy her diapers and toys, everything I ever thought a father would do at her age, he did.

Emma and daddy <3

Sperm Donor

I tried, I honestly did. It was never ever my intention for Emma's father to not be in her life, I really thought that he would see her every other weekend or so, I was even willing to let him see her more often if necessary, again I knew what it was like to feel like my dad didn't care.

I would call and offer to bring her to him, I would offer and offer, call and call. he did see her occasionally, but it was never anything stable. I wont get into details, but things happened and I got a restraining order, along with Steve and my mom. he went to jail for awhile, and I had started realizing that I needed to get this situation on paper before it was to late, I admit I was naive about the whole thing and should of dealt with it all sooner. so after 6 months of him still having the option but choosing not to see her, we started supervised visitation, every Friday for 6 weeks, he went every week. of course, people were paying attention to him going or not and his family I am sure was on his ass about it. I thought he was different. I thought it was such a change that he was actually going that I didn't need to take such drastic measures anymore and stopped the supervised visitation. I had reason to believe that he was not taking care of Emma when he had her before this, but now he was living with his brother and sister in law who had a baby, and I knew that if she was going there she would at least get to see him and them, and be taken care of, I trusted his sister in law enough that she became our go between, she would be there to pick her up and drop her off and I could rely on being able to contact her if I needed to.

Father?

Emma went to their house every other weekend for a few months, she would have fun playing with her cousin. Then there started to be excuses, usually about money. now he has never ever paid any money toward Emma, other than 50$ he gave me once to pay for gas. even when we were together, his money went to the casino and not toward Emma. and so his excuses of not having the money to have Emma for the weekend really bothered me. at the time I was supplying her diapers etc.

I would call every other weekend to see if he was going to take her, sometimes I wouldn't know until the Friday morning that he wasn't going to take her. eventually I stopped calling, I figured if he wanted her they would let me know. I felt like I was getting annoying asking and it really wasn't my responsibility to call him anyway.

Now it has been 6 months. he didn't see her for her birthday, or Christmas, he missed Easter. I have no idea where he is living, if he is working, I only know from his family that he is still alive.

Since he and I broke up I have maintained civil relationships with a few of his family members, all of whom have told me how disappointed they are in him, how he needs to step up, and how much they want to see Emma. I have never had a problem with this, they are her relatives, and they didn't do anything wrong, if they want to see her I will support that.

Opinions.

Recently I was contacted by a family member of his, she added me to facebook, I have no problem with this, the reason I am so open of facebook is because I don't think I have anything to hide. and I figured it would be nice for her to be able to see pictures of Emma. she asked me how Emma was doing, so I told her.

My point.

Emma calls Steve dad, she hasn't always done this, she use to refer to him as Stevie. recently she started calling him daddy. I whole heartily support this, in Emma's eyes, he is her dad, he is the only dad she has really ever known... she has known her "father" but has he really ever been her dad? he has visited her a handful of times, and doesn't know her at all. while looking through this family members pictures, there was a picture of him, Emma was sitting with me, I said "Emma who's that?" ... she had no idea, at 2 years old, 6 months is a long time, I don't know that if she saw him she wouldn't remember, but she never asks about him and doesn't recognize him in pictures. The last few times she went there on the weekend she asked me not to, at 2 years old... and this is suppose to be her father?

I was told by this family member that Emma calling Steve daddy would confuse her.

I really didn't understand this. I get that in many circumstances if the kid is older, or knows their dad or doesn't like the new dad that calling them daddy might confuse them, but Steve has been Emma's dad since she was 6 months old. why wouldn't she call him daddy? she now has a sister who will call him daddy, would it not confuse her more NOT to call him dad?

If my ex was in her life, or made an attempt of any kind to be in her life I may not support it, but the fact is that he chooses not to be. therefore in my eyes, in my heart. he is nothing more than a sperm donor.

I have not responded to this family member, she may read this she may not, that is fine. I am thinking of taking her off my facebook, simply because I don't want to feel like I am being judged for being a mom, I am a good mom, I take good care of my kids, I give them everything I have. I refuse to feel like I need to apologize for decisions I have made with my children's best interests at heart. Again, I know what it is to feel abandoned by a parent, I will do everything in my power to prevent my child feeling that way, I hoped this family member would understand that given her situation.

So that is my vent.

I am proud of my kids, proud of my family , and VERY proud of how much my life has changed in the last few years. I will make no excuses.  If you have a problem with how I live or what I am doing, either keep it to yourself or remove me from your life.

Emma <3 Hailey <3 Steve

<3 Family <3

Lazy Rainy Day

Oh what a rainy day, I dont know why but when its raining outside all I want to do is lay in bed and read a good book, unfortunatly being a stay at home mom of 2 little ones means I no longer get that luxury, sure I can try but who am I kidding I end up reading the same sentence 14 times and give up.
lazy rainy days have now become our quiet family time, Emma actually gets excited when she sees rain because she knows theres a chance we will get to hang out in our pajamas and make crafts, or do some baking.
The last time it rained I made slime (equal parts cornstarch and water plus food coloring) , I made this with Lex and Abbi when they were little a few times, Im pretty sure they only remember the once (it was pink) but they loved it and still talk about it... now of course its Emmas turn. after making many messes and having to scrub it out of my carpet a few times I have started using my brain and now put Emma in the tub in some play clothes.. no water just a bowl of slime, she will play for as long as I let her with it and the best part is all I have to do after is strip her down and turn on the shower... perfect!

remember even when its raining and miserable outside doesnt mean you cant enjoy the day.
I love lazy rainy days <3

Recycling!

Now that miss Emma is in love with doing crafts, I decided it is a good time to start learing about recycling, which to a two year old pretty much means things we throw out can be made into something fun, or something someone else might enjoy after we no longer need it.

we recently moved, which means we had a LARGE pile of boxes taking up to much space thanks to our wonderfull city workers who have refused to take our recycling for some unknown reason.

A lot of tape and many burns from the glue gun later Emmas "castle" was complete!

Of course we had to decorate it, so using more scraps of paper we put some wall paper up on the inside

after all of that hard work came my favorite part of the day... NAP TIME!!

In my brilliance I made the "castle" just big enough for her princess couch to fit in. She now sleeps in the house more often than she sleeps in her own bed.

after nap we added the door, and some flower planters under the windows.

later we made flowers for the planters using pipe cleaners and tissue paper.

That is pretty much where the decorating ended, with two kids and everything else to take care of around here little things like this take HOURS... I have had visions of decorating the outside to look more like a castle which is what Emma calls it. but I have realized that it doesnt matter how big of an eye sore it is, to a two year old just spending time with mom and dad and having something cool in her room which is just hers is good enough for her. She was over the moon excited, and I absolutly love doing things to make her smile.

love you kiddo <3

guilty pleasure =)

I have and most likely always will be one of those girls who has been refered to as a "gamer"
Im not sure what the definition really is, I dont think I rank up there in "gamer" land but I do enjoy playing them.
I have always had games, I still have my original nintendo, and bust out some Donkey Kong or Super Mario 3 from time to time, Nintendo 64 was my fav, I played Perfect Dark for HOURS with the guys in highschool, we would crank my health up and they would all gang up on me on one hit kills. Good times.
I have had pretty much all the Game Boys, Segas, PSPs, DSs etc that there are, and thanks to my insomnia usually play them all night to keep from dying of bordem.
Gamecube was a pretty bug let down, however one of my fondest memories of my Aunt Wendy is sitting in the living room and listening to her giggle to herself while she played Harvest Moon, which since then has become another addiction of mine, I am currently playing it AGAIN on my DS... its one of those games you dont really have to pay much attention to which suites me just fine these days. Wii and I were good friends in the beginning, I have definatly gotten very drunk and played Mario Kart racing all night, and had friends over for bowling parties.
I even lost 20 pounds with Wii Fit plus before I went to Dominican ( then gained it ALL back while there lol)
We had the Xbox 360 for all of 2 weeks before we sold it, we got bored with it pretty quick.
For christmas I bought Steve the playstation 3. and he has more or less been addicted to the game Call of Duty - Black Ops. It doesnt help that pretty much everyone he knows also play this game religiously . I vowed not to start playing because I did not want to get hooked... well stupid me I tryed it, and now Im hooked ! as soon as Emma goes for her nap (which these days are few and far between) I get Hailey fed, and jump online. I and definatly NOT good at this game yet. but I dont care. Its my "mommy time"... thats right, I have even given up having a bath to play this game... If you know me at all you know how odd that is.
Yes I realize that while playing I could be doing many things, laundry, dishes etc... but my excuse is that Emma would be sooo disapointed if she didnt get to help with those things, she has definatly become mommy's little helper. for now, Hailey is just sleeping during that time anyway. and what mom out there doesnt have their little guilty pleasure... so what if mine includes blowing people up in game-land?
so there... Im done... back to Nuke-Town I go... love and rockets
Kort <3

Venting... and an update on the kidlets =)

Lately I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions. Like everything I am doing is the wrong thing in someway, and I just cant seem to get it right.
I have an intense feeling of guilt for Hailey being in the hospital, every thought from "did I drink to much coffee?" to "why couldn't I suck it up and deal with the pain better" runs through my head a gazillion times a day. and then there is the fact that I had to be away from my Em for almost 3 weeks with just visits, and still now with Hailey being in the hospital she is missing out on her Mom time, I have to spend as much time as I can with Hailey to get her home, which means Em has to spend more time with out me.
so I spend as much time as I can when I am at home with Emma which of course makes me feel guilty for not doing more around the house. Or for not having time to make Steve's lunch or even make dinner. I was put in the hospital just a few days after Christmas and we just moved in before that, so we hadn't even finished unpacking yet, dinning room is still full of boxes, bedrooms are a mess of clothes and our furniture still isn't even in the right spots, where am I going to find time to do everything? Hailey could be home within the week, Steve works full time sometimes not even getting home until 7 and we have to be at the hospital to feed Hailey at 8 o'clock.
This is just scratching the surface.
On the other hand I am so blessed to have everything I have, and the people around me who have been so amazing and supportive through everything.
I cant believe how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life, I mean not many people would have taken Emma down to sick kids for us, its a pretty intense thing, and takes an entire day.
People who took the time out of there day to just come and sit with me, deliver me goodies, look after our daughter. even friends who had us over for a night of video games and relaxing is amazing. How could I ask for more?
Emma is such a little smarty pants these days, she will sit for an hour and have a tea party with her teddy bear, and carry on an entire conversation.
She has pretty much conquered her colors, at times when she is not paying attention she will mix up colors like pink and purple. but she knows them.
When we went to Sick kids last week she decided she was a fairy that day, and everywhere we went she would have to "fly!" which pretty much entails her running as fast as she can (which is pretty adorable to watch with her brace on) and flapping her arms. Waiting rooms to Emma just means there are people sitting around needing to be entertained with song and dance routines.
Hailey, sweet little Hailey, I can not believe how much bigger she feels at only 2 weeks old, she has not put on alot of weight, but she has filled out alot, and doesn't feel so fragile.
she is doing better taking her feeds, we just have a problem keeping her awake long enough, especially breast feeding, it just tuckers the poor girl out!. So we have been bottle feeding her my breast milk a few times a day to give her a bit of a break but still get her strength up. considering she wasn't even suppose to be born yet, she is doing amazing. We just want her home.