Father?

Father.

I am not sure if I have a great sense of what a father really should be, when I was very little I have been told I was a daddies girl, but growing up I have always had issues with my dad (I wont go into details for his sake) we have always had an odd relationship,I have never relied on having my dad there, he was never at my birthday parties, I can remember him at a handful of Christmases, he has always been illusive, he lives his own life his way and I get it.

However not having a full time dad has hurt me in ways I can never really explain, I know what it is like to call your dad and him not answer for weeks and even months, to wonder if your dad is alive or dead, and to cry yourself to sleep because you don't know if your own dad loves you or not.

my dad

Emma

I was with Emma's "father" on and off for 3 years, when I was 17 I was told I would not be able to have kids (lol) so Emma was a surprise, the best surprise I have ever had, my entire life I wanted to me a mommy. actually that was pretty much my only aspiration, judge me if you want. I had NEVER wanted to marry her father, I pretty much only stayed with him for convenience, it was easier to be with someone than to leave him and be alone... yes I hate that about myself but its the truth. I knew he was a tool, but I stayed.... then when I found out I was pregnant I thought we would have to stay together for the baby, after my childhood all I wanted for this unborn child was a stable happy family life. of course very shortly after she was born I realized that there was NO hope in this lame excuse of a man ever changing, he showed very little interest in Emma unless we were around his family, then he turned into a family man, always putting on a show. any pictures I had of him and Emma were me saying someday she is going to look through pictures and notice your not in any of them, he spent most of his time either at the casino while telling me he was at work, or at his friends house. after my rent being gambled away, things missing from my home, many calls to the police etc I decided I needed to leave in order for my little girl to have a stable home, even if it was a single home.

And so I asked him to leave, I don't think he took me seriously, but after a few weeks he finally got the clue that I was not kidding this time, I was done, and it was over. Emma was 3 months

Emma 6 months <3

Steve

When I met Steve I was not looking for anything serious, not that I didn't want it, I just thought I am a single mom of a baby, who would want me? I was 100% set on focusing on just Emma and myself and not worrying about a man.

But everything changed... fast... I am not going to go into the details about our beginning right now, I will end up typing for hours if I do lol... Steve met Emma 3 days after she turned 6 months we started living together a few months later, since the day he met her Steve has taken on a father role, he has supported her and I in every way. he was there when she started crawling, walking, talking, when she fell, he would pick her up, he would teach her things, play with her, buy her diapers and toys, everything I ever thought a father would do at her age, he did.

Emma and daddy <3

Sperm Donor

I tried, I honestly did. It was never ever my intention for Emma's father to not be in her life, I really thought that he would see her every other weekend or so, I was even willing to let him see her more often if necessary, again I knew what it was like to feel like my dad didn't care.

I would call and offer to bring her to him, I would offer and offer, call and call. he did see her occasionally, but it was never anything stable. I wont get into details, but things happened and I got a restraining order, along with Steve and my mom. he went to jail for awhile, and I had started realizing that I needed to get this situation on paper before it was to late, I admit I was naive about the whole thing and should of dealt with it all sooner. so after 6 months of him still having the option but choosing not to see her, we started supervised visitation, every Friday for 6 weeks, he went every week. of course, people were paying attention to him going or not and his family I am sure was on his ass about it. I thought he was different. I thought it was such a change that he was actually going that I didn't need to take such drastic measures anymore and stopped the supervised visitation. I had reason to believe that he was not taking care of Emma when he had her before this, but now he was living with his brother and sister in law who had a baby, and I knew that if she was going there she would at least get to see him and them, and be taken care of, I trusted his sister in law enough that she became our go between, she would be there to pick her up and drop her off and I could rely on being able to contact her if I needed to.

Father?

Emma went to their house every other weekend for a few months, she would have fun playing with her cousin. Then there started to be excuses, usually about money. now he has never ever paid any money toward Emma, other than 50$ he gave me once to pay for gas. even when we were together, his money went to the casino and not toward Emma. and so his excuses of not having the money to have Emma for the weekend really bothered me. at the time I was supplying her diapers etc.

I would call every other weekend to see if he was going to take her, sometimes I wouldn't know until the Friday morning that he wasn't going to take her. eventually I stopped calling, I figured if he wanted her they would let me know. I felt like I was getting annoying asking and it really wasn't my responsibility to call him anyway.

Now it has been 6 months. he didn't see her for her birthday, or Christmas, he missed Easter. I have no idea where he is living, if he is working, I only know from his family that he is still alive.

Since he and I broke up I have maintained civil relationships with a few of his family members, all of whom have told me how disappointed they are in him, how he needs to step up, and how much they want to see Emma. I have never had a problem with this, they are her relatives, and they didn't do anything wrong, if they want to see her I will support that.

Opinions.

Recently I was contacted by a family member of his, she added me to facebook, I have no problem with this, the reason I am so open of facebook is because I don't think I have anything to hide. and I figured it would be nice for her to be able to see pictures of Emma. she asked me how Emma was doing, so I told her.

My point.

Emma calls Steve dad, she hasn't always done this, she use to refer to him as Stevie. recently she started calling him daddy. I whole heartily support this, in Emma's eyes, he is her dad, he is the only dad she has really ever known... she has known her "father" but has he really ever been her dad? he has visited her a handful of times, and doesn't know her at all. while looking through this family members pictures, there was a picture of him, Emma was sitting with me, I said "Emma who's that?" ... she had no idea, at 2 years old, 6 months is a long time, I don't know that if she saw him she wouldn't remember, but she never asks about him and doesn't recognize him in pictures. The last few times she went there on the weekend she asked me not to, at 2 years old... and this is suppose to be her father?

I was told by this family member that Emma calling Steve daddy would confuse her.

I really didn't understand this. I get that in many circumstances if the kid is older, or knows their dad or doesn't like the new dad that calling them daddy might confuse them, but Steve has been Emma's dad since she was 6 months old. why wouldn't she call him daddy? she now has a sister who will call him daddy, would it not confuse her more NOT to call him dad?

If my ex was in her life, or made an attempt of any kind to be in her life I may not support it, but the fact is that he chooses not to be. therefore in my eyes, in my heart. he is nothing more than a sperm donor.

I have not responded to this family member, she may read this she may not, that is fine. I am thinking of taking her off my facebook, simply because I don't want to feel like I am being judged for being a mom, I am a good mom, I take good care of my kids, I give them everything I have. I refuse to feel like I need to apologize for decisions I have made with my children's best interests at heart. Again, I know what it is to feel abandoned by a parent, I will do everything in my power to prevent my child feeling that way, I hoped this family member would understand that given her situation.

So that is my vent.

I am proud of my kids, proud of my family , and VERY proud of how much my life has changed in the last few years. I will make no excuses.  If you have a problem with how I live or what I am doing, either keep it to yourself or remove me from your life.

Emma <3 Hailey <3 Steve

<3 Family <3

Lazy Rainy Day

Oh what a rainy day, I dont know why but when its raining outside all I want to do is lay in bed and read a good book, unfortunatly being a stay at home mom of 2 little ones means I no longer get that luxury, sure I can try but who am I kidding I end up reading the same sentence 14 times and give up.
lazy rainy days have now become our quiet family time, Emma actually gets excited when she sees rain because she knows theres a chance we will get to hang out in our pajamas and make crafts, or do some baking.
The last time it rained I made slime (equal parts cornstarch and water plus food coloring) , I made this with Lex and Abbi when they were little a few times, Im pretty sure they only remember the once (it was pink) but they loved it and still talk about it... now of course its Emmas turn. after making many messes and having to scrub it out of my carpet a few times I have started using my brain and now put Emma in the tub in some play clothes.. no water just a bowl of slime, she will play for as long as I let her with it and the best part is all I have to do after is strip her down and turn on the shower... perfect!

remember even when its raining and miserable outside doesnt mean you cant enjoy the day.
I love lazy rainy days <3

Recycling!

Now that miss Emma is in love with doing crafts, I decided it is a good time to start learing about recycling, which to a two year old pretty much means things we throw out can be made into something fun, or something someone else might enjoy after we no longer need it.

we recently moved, which means we had a LARGE pile of boxes taking up to much space thanks to our wonderfull city workers who have refused to take our recycling for some unknown reason.

A lot of tape and many burns from the glue gun later Emmas "castle" was complete!

Of course we had to decorate it, so using more scraps of paper we put some wall paper up on the inside

after all of that hard work came my favorite part of the day... NAP TIME!!

In my brilliance I made the "castle" just big enough for her princess couch to fit in. She now sleeps in the house more often than she sleeps in her own bed.

after nap we added the door, and some flower planters under the windows.

later we made flowers for the planters using pipe cleaners and tissue paper.

That is pretty much where the decorating ended, with two kids and everything else to take care of around here little things like this take HOURS... I have had visions of decorating the outside to look more like a castle which is what Emma calls it. but I have realized that it doesnt matter how big of an eye sore it is, to a two year old just spending time with mom and dad and having something cool in her room which is just hers is good enough for her. She was over the moon excited, and I absolutly love doing things to make her smile.

love you kiddo <3