A beautifull collision

Oh Blogger how I have missed you!.
As much as I love my house I really do miss having the internet. I didnt even think that when we moved back out the country we would not be able to get anything but dial up... booooo dial up!
So here I sit at Steves parents house where we frequently come now to hoard their internet.

I guess its time for an update, where to begin.

First of all. I start school in 2 weeks... ahhhh
I know to most people its not a big deal, woopdy-dooo. I however am NOT a fan of school. back in grade 9/10 I was on the honor roll and loved going in everyday. needless to say things happend to change that. mainly my moms accident and the insane amount of pressure that caused. I wont get into the details now but in the end I left highschool with such regret I cant even tell you. I NEVER wanted to be a drop out nooo way! I pretended like it was the best decision even though I knew it was not. It has been my biggest regret. It has made me shy around people I went to highschool with. I had great friends in highschool that since I droped out I have been to afraid to talk to... whats that about? I have no idea. I start talking to someone that I have missed, make plans to get toghether and then chicken out.
are they going to point and laugh at me for it? the Kortney I was in highschool would not have cared one bit if they did. I miss those care free highschool days, and the great friends.
So now that I am starting back to school I have the same fears of being judged, or that I will not be able to handle it. I dont remember how to properly structure and Essay or how to put together a presentation for a class.
Steve tells me everyday that I can do anything. that he is there to support me. I really want my girls to get a great education and NOT go the hard route like I did. So here I go... I start in 8 days !

Everyone has been asking me what I am going to do. well I am going to Everest to take their Personal Support Worker course. Again I know to most people thats not a bid deal at all. the reason I chose Evesest is simply because their schedule works SOO well with being a mom and Steve working. I will go to class from 5 to 9 everyday, so I will only have to leave the girls for an hour or two a day with family untill Steve gets home from work and can pick them up.
wish me luck :)

Now my girls... my beautiful girls.
Have I mentioned how different it is to have two?
With Emma for the most part I really lucked out, Ive never had to deal with much public tantrums, she goes to bed with out fuss. She brushes her own teeth and is smarter than me. If only she would figure out that a pull up is not the same as her potty we would be golden.
Hailey is SO different than Emma was, She is very vocal and LOUD lol.
she is almost crawling but she can get everywhere she wants by rolling anyway. I am very very guilty of Co-sleeping with Hailey. Her and I sleep in the basement because she was up SO much in the night it woke everyone up. Now we just havnt gotten out of the habit. She still wakes up in the night but at 7 months there is no reason for her not to be in a crib other than the fact that we havnt technically put one up for her yet... horrible I know. that is priority # 1 next week though.

I have so much more to write but Emma is asking for more cereal and Hailey waiting patiently for her breakfast.

love and rockets.

Kort

I AM

• I am my daughters favourite teether.
• a peanut butter sandwhich is the easiest way to keep Emma happy.
• I dread shorts season because I dont have time to shave my legs.
• I wear yoga pants 50%  Pajama pants 40% and anything else 10% of the time.
• a pony tail is my go to fashion accessorry.
• I catch myself watching Treehouse even when Emma is not home.
• I dont leave the house without a snack and a pack of crayons.
• N matter what I always always forget SOMETHING everywhere I go.
• I always have dishes in my sink... as soon as I finish them they are dirty again.
• I always forget to put gas in the truck and Steve has to pray he can make it to work in the morning.
• I never have my wallet with me when I need it.
• I never know what time it is.
• I hate vaccuuming.
• I love doing laundry... I hate putting laundry away.
• I screen phone calls.
• I am always covered in my kids snot and slobber.
• I bite my nails untill there is nothing left to bite.
• I am the best tucker iner
• I am mom
• I am Kortney

Sunday

Sunday
We had such a great family day today, woke up and jumped in the car to go garage saleing... we LOVE yard saleing, If we have something specific we are looking for than we will go Saturday morning bright and early.... If we are just looking at whats out there then we go Sundays, people are just trying to get rid of stuff at that point so you get better deals.
We did not find anything today but had fun looking.
Then Steve remembered that there was an A division baseball tournament playing so we went and watched a game while Emma ran around and Hailey chilled in the grass, If you know us at all, you know how much we love baseball... we will stop and watch anyone play... Its a great thing to do as a family and most of the time FREE.
After the game we were planning on going grocery shopping, but because I still have a bad case of mommy brain that plan was derailed because I forgot my wallet on the computer desk at home. So we went and tinkered around Canadian Tire. Where, I am excited to announce I finally got my new CAN OPENER!!! hahaha, I have been needing one for months, but for whatever reason never thought of it while I was out so I would struggle with the 3 broken ones I have untill it was open enough to pry open with a butter knife. If nothing else it was a good workout :)
After that we came home with not much planned except the girls having naps, and haning out.
We started talking about our very very overgrown garden. the flowers in it were pretty but there was old bulbs rotting and it was starting to smell, the whole things was a crazy mess. Next thing I knew Steve was ripping things out... we left a shrub and the rose bushes, everything else was destroyed. Back to town we went, this time to home depot (closest to our house) ... Emma, Hailey and I walked around and checked out the flowers while Steve picked out what he wanted. I cant remember the name of the flowers he chose, but I picked some Gerbera Daisies which are my fav so he planted a few of those in the corner for me.
We came home, Emma and I made dinner while Steve planted the flowers and then we all ate dinner on the porch.
I know nothing at all exciting happend (except my can opener), But I love days when you wake up and just go with the flow. Have an idea and go with it. It makes me appreciate my little family. It makes me appreciate Steve who is my best friend and my favourite person to have these random days with. It makes me appreciate having somewhere to teach Emma how to plant flowers and laugh at how scared she is of worms. It makes me appreciate listening to Hailey make rasberries and talk to herself on the porch while we are yanking weeds. And new neighbours just comming over to introduce them selves and say hello.
We are so very blessed to have what we have.

Children learn what they live

Children learn what they live

If children live with critism, they learn to condem.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themself.
If children live with recognition, they learn to set goals.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with fairness they learn justice.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with kindness, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in others.
If children live with friendliness, they learn that the world is a nice place to live.

-Dorothy Law Nolte 1972

BLAH

I have always been someone who can live off only a few hours of sleep.
I have had pretty bad insomnia in the past, I could function on little to no sleep.

now not so much

I am so flippin tired lately.

• Hailey is teething, she doesnt want to sleep unless she is with me, which means I dont sleep. or we give her tylenol but I dont like drugging her all the time if I dont have to.
• Emma has been having problems with her brace, I cant blame her that thing can not be comfortable. she wakes up complaining of sore toes and sore knees alot.
• Steve works hard, he needs alot of sleep to get through his long days at his job. So I have been sleeping on the couch so that when Hailey cries and I have to get up he can sleep.
• Our couch sucks, it is not a pillow top mattress by any means. The cushions are constantly falling off and I find my self half on half off the couch often.
• We just moved, so taking a break and relaxing is replaced by moving boxes, lifting dressers down stairs on my own and non-stop organizing. in addition to the regular day to day 50s housewife crap.... laundry, dishes, cooking, repeat.
• I got fat, I gained 60 pounds when I was pregnant and it definatly did not come off as easy this time, so I have been jogging everyday in the morning and taking the girls for a walk in the evening.

I must be getting old

These few things are wearing me out!
It is so hard to get out of bed in the morning, and by noon I could use a nap.
before Steve even gets home from work I am fighting to keep my eyes open.

PITY PARTY! ... Ill get over it
After a LONG nap (ya right) and a few coffees :)

a quick update :)

I must be the worst blogger in the world, I honestly forgot this poor neglected space even existed for a few weeks until I got a few requests for an update! So instead of a random blog about something random I figure I will just let everyone know what has been keeping me so busy that I cant update every day like some lol.
PACKING PACKING PACKING! yes we are moving AGAIN. We seem to move every year we just cant find a place that suits us (usually we cant stand the neighbours) ! when we moved into this apartment we knew it wouldnt be for long it was just somewhere to be untill we found what we were looking for here in Orillia.
We finally found a house, it is aproximatly a 10 minute drive outside Orillia towards Barrie. we are surrounded be fields NO NEIGHBOURS!! , and can see bass lake from our yard. we have a half acre, I am sooo excited for Emma to have her own yard to play in! we intend to make it as fun filled as possible, with a fire pit for us of course.
The thing I have always said that I want when we get a house is a GARAGE, not just a garage but one that we can get to from the house... the whole cleaning off the snow in the winter, packing the kids in carrying loads and loads of groceries through the snow, none of this was ever my idea of fun, yes we have a garage! I know that we will most likely loose Steve to the garage most days, but thats ok, hes out of my way lol... ! I cant wait. the house also has lots of storage, and a basement, The only downside... only two bedrooms! but hey ya cant have everything! I will give more details and pictures in a later post. we move in 5 days EEEEEEE!!
I have also been PACKING PACKING PACKING at my mothers house, she is down sizing from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom, although she is only moving down the hall in her apartment building she is a pack rat, so I have been trying to organize and get rid of the boxes upon boxes of things she no longer needs or uses.
I have been trying to be more frugal, I have only worked 4 months in the past 3 years, with the insane cost of daycare for 2 kids I look at it as my way to contribute to our income, everything I save feels like I am making money for my family. I put alot of time into it, usually 2 hours every morning is spent hunting for deals and sending emails etc.
We still have a wedding to plan =/ we had a budget for our wedding but thanks to my new frugal/enviro friendly attitude I have cut the budget by ALOT ... this of course means I have alot more to do myself, which is fine with me... I like the fact that every little part of our wedding has our imprint, it may not be what other people like, but its unique and its us.
I have two kids! hey that takes up enough time right there lol... with everything going on I still try to make time to sit down every day and do a project with Emma. Hailey sits with us in her bumbo, we sing songs, paint, make recycled bags, make puppets, pretty much whatever we feel like doing that day =) that plus the usual cooking, laundry, cleaning etc I have had my hands full
Emma is growing up way to fast like usual, somedays I feel like I have a 15 year old in the house with the attitude she has, but most days she is still my little angel the only problem we have had is potty training, She goes on the potty most of the time at home but as soon as we go ANYWHERE else there is no hope =/
Hailey is getting SO BIG, I say she looks like a fat Steve lol, she is so bright and coos non stop. She has rolled over from her back to her belly a few times and loves to jump in her jumparoo. She has become such a happy baby, she pretty much only gets mad when shes hungry. That kid likes to eat!
As I write this Emma is singing Skinamerink a dink a dink Skinamerinky DOOOO while Hailey is jumping in her jumparoo laughing at Emma's silly dance. I love this age when they both love each other, I realize that soon enough it will be an all out war over everything between them, So I am cherishing this.
So there is our update, bad spelling/puntuation and all lol.

Father?

Father.

I am not sure if I have a great sense of what a father really should be, when I was very little I have been told I was a daddies girl, but growing up I have always had issues with my dad (I wont go into details for his sake) we have always had an odd relationship,I have never relied on having my dad there, he was never at my birthday parties, I can remember him at a handful of Christmases, he has always been illusive, he lives his own life his way and I get it.

However not having a full time dad has hurt me in ways I can never really explain, I know what it is like to call your dad and him not answer for weeks and even months, to wonder if your dad is alive or dead, and to cry yourself to sleep because you don't know if your own dad loves you or not.

my dad

Emma

I was with Emma's "father" on and off for 3 years, when I was 17 I was told I would not be able to have kids (lol) so Emma was a surprise, the best surprise I have ever had, my entire life I wanted to me a mommy. actually that was pretty much my only aspiration, judge me if you want. I had NEVER wanted to marry her father, I pretty much only stayed with him for convenience, it was easier to be with someone than to leave him and be alone... yes I hate that about myself but its the truth. I knew he was a tool, but I stayed.... then when I found out I was pregnant I thought we would have to stay together for the baby, after my childhood all I wanted for this unborn child was a stable happy family life. of course very shortly after she was born I realized that there was NO hope in this lame excuse of a man ever changing, he showed very little interest in Emma unless we were around his family, then he turned into a family man, always putting on a show. any pictures I had of him and Emma were me saying someday she is going to look through pictures and notice your not in any of them, he spent most of his time either at the casino while telling me he was at work, or at his friends house. after my rent being gambled away, things missing from my home, many calls to the police etc I decided I needed to leave in order for my little girl to have a stable home, even if it was a single home.

And so I asked him to leave, I don't think he took me seriously, but after a few weeks he finally got the clue that I was not kidding this time, I was done, and it was over. Emma was 3 months

Emma 6 months <3

Steve

When I met Steve I was not looking for anything serious, not that I didn't want it, I just thought I am a single mom of a baby, who would want me? I was 100% set on focusing on just Emma and myself and not worrying about a man.

But everything changed... fast... I am not going to go into the details about our beginning right now, I will end up typing for hours if I do lol... Steve met Emma 3 days after she turned 6 months we started living together a few months later, since the day he met her Steve has taken on a father role, he has supported her and I in every way. he was there when she started crawling, walking, talking, when she fell, he would pick her up, he would teach her things, play with her, buy her diapers and toys, everything I ever thought a father would do at her age, he did.

Emma and daddy <3

Sperm Donor

I tried, I honestly did. It was never ever my intention for Emma's father to not be in her life, I really thought that he would see her every other weekend or so, I was even willing to let him see her more often if necessary, again I knew what it was like to feel like my dad didn't care.

I would call and offer to bring her to him, I would offer and offer, call and call. he did see her occasionally, but it was never anything stable. I wont get into details, but things happened and I got a restraining order, along with Steve and my mom. he went to jail for awhile, and I had started realizing that I needed to get this situation on paper before it was to late, I admit I was naive about the whole thing and should of dealt with it all sooner. so after 6 months of him still having the option but choosing not to see her, we started supervised visitation, every Friday for 6 weeks, he went every week. of course, people were paying attention to him going or not and his family I am sure was on his ass about it. I thought he was different. I thought it was such a change that he was actually going that I didn't need to take such drastic measures anymore and stopped the supervised visitation. I had reason to believe that he was not taking care of Emma when he had her before this, but now he was living with his brother and sister in law who had a baby, and I knew that if she was going there she would at least get to see him and them, and be taken care of, I trusted his sister in law enough that she became our go between, she would be there to pick her up and drop her off and I could rely on being able to contact her if I needed to.

Father?

Emma went to their house every other weekend for a few months, she would have fun playing with her cousin. Then there started to be excuses, usually about money. now he has never ever paid any money toward Emma, other than 50$ he gave me once to pay for gas. even when we were together, his money went to the casino and not toward Emma. and so his excuses of not having the money to have Emma for the weekend really bothered me. at the time I was supplying her diapers etc.

I would call every other weekend to see if he was going to take her, sometimes I wouldn't know until the Friday morning that he wasn't going to take her. eventually I stopped calling, I figured if he wanted her they would let me know. I felt like I was getting annoying asking and it really wasn't my responsibility to call him anyway.

Now it has been 6 months. he didn't see her for her birthday, or Christmas, he missed Easter. I have no idea where he is living, if he is working, I only know from his family that he is still alive.

Since he and I broke up I have maintained civil relationships with a few of his family members, all of whom have told me how disappointed they are in him, how he needs to step up, and how much they want to see Emma. I have never had a problem with this, they are her relatives, and they didn't do anything wrong, if they want to see her I will support that.

Opinions.

Recently I was contacted by a family member of his, she added me to facebook, I have no problem with this, the reason I am so open of facebook is because I don't think I have anything to hide. and I figured it would be nice for her to be able to see pictures of Emma. she asked me how Emma was doing, so I told her.

My point.

Emma calls Steve dad, she hasn't always done this, she use to refer to him as Stevie. recently she started calling him daddy. I whole heartily support this, in Emma's eyes, he is her dad, he is the only dad she has really ever known... she has known her "father" but has he really ever been her dad? he has visited her a handful of times, and doesn't know her at all. while looking through this family members pictures, there was a picture of him, Emma was sitting with me, I said "Emma who's that?" ... she had no idea, at 2 years old, 6 months is a long time, I don't know that if she saw him she wouldn't remember, but she never asks about him and doesn't recognize him in pictures. The last few times she went there on the weekend she asked me not to, at 2 years old... and this is suppose to be her father?

I was told by this family member that Emma calling Steve daddy would confuse her.

I really didn't understand this. I get that in many circumstances if the kid is older, or knows their dad or doesn't like the new dad that calling them daddy might confuse them, but Steve has been Emma's dad since she was 6 months old. why wouldn't she call him daddy? she now has a sister who will call him daddy, would it not confuse her more NOT to call him dad?

If my ex was in her life, or made an attempt of any kind to be in her life I may not support it, but the fact is that he chooses not to be. therefore in my eyes, in my heart. he is nothing more than a sperm donor.

I have not responded to this family member, she may read this she may not, that is fine. I am thinking of taking her off my facebook, simply because I don't want to feel like I am being judged for being a mom, I am a good mom, I take good care of my kids, I give them everything I have. I refuse to feel like I need to apologize for decisions I have made with my children's best interests at heart. Again, I know what it is to feel abandoned by a parent, I will do everything in my power to prevent my child feeling that way, I hoped this family member would understand that given her situation.

So that is my vent.

I am proud of my kids, proud of my family , and VERY proud of how much my life has changed in the last few years. I will make no excuses.  If you have a problem with how I live or what I am doing, either keep it to yourself or remove me from your life.

Emma <3 Hailey <3 Steve

<3 Family <3